Contact: MichailvlootPlog Corvitrondippleep
Mercurian Free Press
(aka Michael Corvin, KinetX, Inc.)
Mercurian Defense Forces Report Alien Invader’s Craft is Doomed!!
Dateline: Blootsvrop City, 9867457 Vreep 2345
General GroootPlog Spleeve of the Mercurian Defense Forces Planetary Defense Command announced today that scientists at the University of Blootsvrop have calculated that the terrifying craft that has been darkening our skies for many so many centriplogs is doomed. The alien menace has run out of fuel and will crash into our planet within 137 microcentriplogs!!
Mercurian civil defense forces are evacuating the expected area of impact but considerable damage is expected at the impact site. General Spleeve said that his technical experts can’t wait to get their tentacles onto whatever wreckage can be found. He added, “…and if any of those evil third-planet imperialists are aboard and survive I will personally interrogate them!! We want their navigation algorithms so we can send our fleet to counterattack!!”
Prime Minister WeeeblerVitPlog Meepler, however, remains furious that repeated attempts by General Spleeve’s forces to shoot down the invader all failed and remains highly skeptical of any offensive plans. Indeed, the Prime Minister even remains skeptical that the invader originated from the third planet, citing the convoluted approach trajectory it flew to our dear Mercury and the fact that the third planet appears to be awash in highly toxic, liquid water. The Prime Minister credits our Mercurian Central Intelligence Agency with the true defensive victory. The MCIA scientists and engineers succeeded in rapidly deploying devices to spoof the invader’s sensors, hiding all evidence of our civilization and making dear Mercury appear to be a dead, hostile planet – albeit with quite interesting features – rather than the verdant, sun-drenched paradise we so dearly love.
Meanwhile, the Mercurian Hoteliers and Tourism Association remains under indictment for attempting to attract the aliens with several large signs, visible from orbit, that advertised Mercury as “Your Vacation Destination in the Inner System!”. Fortunately, the alien craft appears to have missed detecting any of these signs.